Happy Singles Day to all my fellow singles out there!
This really doesn’t need an introduction, so let’s just dive right in to the bitch-fest. Thank you to all the gals that helped with this one!
**If you have no sense of humor, do not read any further. The following rant contains 99% sarcasm and dramatic language. Please take with a grain of salt (or 10) and let’s laugh together.**
Aaaaand cue blog post that will ensure that Kari is single forever.
1. Mirror Pictures
Let’s start out with the one of the most obvious ones. I don’t care if you’re at the gym (ew), in an elevator (why), or in your grandma’s bathroom (EW), STOP taking mirror pics. And if you’re doing this with your shirt off and/or flexing, you’re doing multiple things wrong.
INSTEAD: Pictures out with friends, a work/LinkedIn photo, pictures with your dog (duh)
2. Incorrect Age
I’ve come across SO many guys that have 1 age on their main profile and then their “real” age in their bio….LITERALLY WHY?? I’m assuming guys do this so that they will show up in girls’ searches more (you can set an age criteria when you’re swiping) but it’s seriously the dumbest thing.
INSTEAD: Your real age? Maybe?
3. WTF Do You Even Look Like???
Sunglasses in every single picture. Group pictures. Pictures from far away. If I can’t tell what you look like by the 3rd picture, there’s absolutely no chance I’m swiping right. Plus, your group pic probably includes a hot friend that I thought/hoped was you at first and then was disappointed to realize it wasn’t.
INSTEAD: I’d love to know what you look like in the very first picture. That’d be great.
4. Showing Absolutely No Emotion
Are you seriously already that bored?
Not only did he not care enough to type out “how are” but he literally couldn’t even bring himself to throw in a question mark…
INSTEAD: Show some interest. It’ll get you far.
5. Presumptive Relationship Talk
This is one of my biggest pet peeves.
“I’ll do the dishes if you cook breakfast ;)”
“I don’t steal the covers at night.”
Seriously, relax. Yes, I’m interested to know what a relationship would be like with you, but I think we can cover that on the first or third or fifth date. Does NOT have to be in black & white on your profile before we’ve even spoken. It’s weird and creepily presumptive. Plus, anything involving sleeping over (bed, breakfast, etc) is disgustingly premature to be mentioning at all, in my opinion.
INSTEAD: Save it for a future conversation.
6. Overly Serious / Specific Criteria
Again, please relax. You can say you’re looking for someone funny, someone carefree, whatever, but… “looking for a life partner. MUST be funny, beautiful, smart, empathetic, athletic, well-read, respectful, and know when to say I’m sorry.” Like, yeah, I am all those things but I swiped left before I even finished reading the sentence.
INSTEAD: Let’s save the deep stuff for date 4, yeah?
7. Fish Pictures
Are you kidding? How are guys still doing this? Please see this article for more on this.
INSTEAD: Anything but this.
8. Quarantine Comments
We get it. Quarantine sucks, but the fact that you have to use that as an ice breaker and have nothing else even remotely funny to say is concerning to me. We’re all in the same boat, here.
INSTEAD: Let’s talk about our “quarantine” experience when we run out of other things to discuss on the date. Please.
9. Being A Creeper
This is an obvious one. Don’t say anything even remotely sexual on your profile or in our conversation. Honestly, I’ll probably report you to the app for being inappropriate just because it’s gross and stupid. I’m sure there are girls out there that are okay with this, but I’m just not.
INSTEAD: Please try to keep it appropriate. It’s icky.
10. “Not my baby.”
SHUT UP. Nobody thought it was your baby. If you had a child, you’d probably say so on your profile stats (unless you’re a sociopath). Also, “That’s my sister in the picture.” NO SHIT, HONEY. I’m also going to assume if it WAS a girlfriend, you wouldn’t be on a dating app (duh), OR you wouldn’t put that picture up there, and would be hiding it like the sketchball that you are.
INSTEAD: Two words: DOG PICTURE.
12. “Don’t be shy.”
How about don’t tell me what to do? This is in no way encouraging or intriguing.
INSTEAD: “I love outgoing people!” Simple.
12. Here For The Weekend
Are you kidding me? I’m on a dating app, so NO, I’m not looking to be your tour guide or one-night-stand. No shame in the long-distance game, but I’m going to assume that’s not what these guys are going for here.
INSTEAD: How about sight-seeing or shopping instead of browsing a dating app in a strange city?
13. Pornstar Mustache Pictures
We get it, you have testosterone.
INSTEAD: If you have a mustache, fine. But if you don’t, we don’t want to see the one you had for a week during COVID quarantine. What do you look like NOW?
14. Old Pictures
If you have pictures from college of you wearing your hot lacrosse uniform, that’s totally fine. High school? Not helpful. Baby pic? Don’t really care. Showing up looking completely different than your online pictures = catfishing, people.
INSTEAD: Please see #3.
15. Black & White Pictures
I’m just going to go ahead and assume you’re a serial killer.
INSTEAD: No filters, please.
16. Tall, So Wear Your Highest Heels 😉
Ew. This is so common it’s disturbing. I personally love a tall dude, but I’m going to wear whatever I want regardless of your height, so please stop telling me what to do. Also, congratu-friggin-lations on being tall, but it already says your height in your profile stats, so yeah, we get it, you’re tall.
INSTEAD: Put it in your stats, and leave it at that. It’s enough to get the point across, trust me.
17. Vague or Inaccurate Job Description
I’m not super particular when it comes to what someone’s job is, but the amount of guys out there claiming to be CEOs is alarming. If your job description is something even remotely sketchy, I’m going to assume that you’re unemployed.
INSTEAD: Just put the industry. It’s supposed to be a conversation starter, not a weird flex.
Oooooh, you know big words? Take me now. *eye roll*
INSTEAD: “Intellectual conversation is a plus.”
19. “Looking for a third.”
Excuse me? Someone literally slid into my Instagram DMs recently saying they saw me on Bumble (AKA we did not match because I didn’t swipe right) and asked if I was interested in a couple. No offense to people interested in this, but I’m pretty sure there are specific apps out there for this, so no, I don’t want to date you and your girlfriend.
INSTEAD: “Hey Alexa, find dating apps for couples looking for a third.”
20. Not looking for anything serious.
Last time I checked, this was a dating app?? I know that some of them provide the option for “something casual” but it’s sort of not the point, in my opinion. If you’re looking for “friends with benefits,” why do you need an app for that?
If you say you’re looking for someone to go to dinners with you or travel with you (yes, this is common), sounds like you’re looking for a sugar baby and I’m pretty sure there are apps for that too.
INSTEAD: Get a different app if you’re not looking to date. It’s a dating app and some of us are actually looking to date…shocker.
Let’s stop the torture and wrap this up…
I am obviously being pretty dramatic about all of this (what else is new), but I kind of feel like I have the right, at this point (because…well, have you read The Dating Series).
Okay, enough with the sarcasm. All jokes aside, there is someone out there for everyone, so you can do you.
All in all, I’m sure there are a lot of great guys out there, but swiping on these apps for over 5 minutes makes me want to be single forever and buy, like, 15 puppies.
In conclusion, if anyone ever asks me again “why are you single?” I’m going to just leave them with this example of what options are actually out there:
And on that note, I will be deleting all of these apps until further notice (until I have too much wine one night and get bored enough to download them again). Thanks for reading.
Latest Blog Posts: