**Trigger Warning: The content from the original “The Important Things” is very emotionally charged. I want my readers to keep in mind that I was going through a difficult time in my life, and that it may potentially be a trigger to some. However, my reflections on the original post more appropriately represent my current thoughts and emotions, and these should be taken into account as well.**
I’ve been struggling to begin to attack another “Reminiscences” post for a couple of reasons.
1) I’m still not really sure what I’m trying to accomplish with them. I think they are more for me, to look back, to remember, and to see how much I’ve grown. I want to pay my respects to my younger self and acknowledge her writing and her efforts to put her thoughts out there. But I also want her to know how much she has grown, both intellectually and emotionally.
2) I’m scared of what others will think. I’m not sure if other people will take anything away from them, and it’s always scary to try to put your opinions and emotions out there for people to pick apart and judge. Since I’ve started this blog, I’ve made a sincere effort not to post about or say anything that might offend, trigger, confuse, or provoke. A big part of the reason that I started writing this blog was for myself. But, in putting my thoughts on the internet for everyone to see, I acknowledge the fact that I have to put a little more thought into the implications of my words. I’m not necessarily censoring myself, but I am trying as hard as I can to be respectful to all, and not to cause anyone feelings of anger or resentment. I want my blog to be a place of happiness, but also a place of introspective thought. Finding this balance is proving very difficult for me.
Anyway, I woke up today feeling like I was bursting with thoughts and emotions, and had to get it out somehow. So here goes nothing.
June 2, 2011
i absolutely hate change, and everything is changing right now. everything is going to keep changing and changing until next year starts.. i’m trying as hard as i can to find the upside of all this change, and it’s really hard..especially when things are holding me back. it’s hard to explain.. i really just need help being happy with these changes. all i want to be is happy
June 28, 2013
change is scary
change is lonely
change is confusing
change is feeling alone
change is looking in the mirror and not knowing what to think about what’s looking back
change is taking off the jewelry ive worn for years
change is ignoring feelings I once loved
change is forcing myself not to feel
change is being unsure of what tomorrow will bring
change is not feeling confident in dealing with tomorrow
change is wondering what it would be like to not have to deal with tomorrow
change is daydreams
change is nightmares
change is memories
change is wishing things had never changed
9 years, 1 month, 13 days later…
To be perfectly honest, it hurts my stomach to read these old posts. I can genuinely still remember the pain that I was feeling when I wrote them. The hardest part is that I know how real it was for me in that moment. It’s easy to look back and say “wow, I was being dramatic,” but scary to think that in that moment, that’s actually how I was feeling. Since then, I’ve gone every day attempting not to remember or revisit these feelings that stemmed from what felt like endless years of mental health struggles, bullying, illness and death, first loves and heartaches. And honestly, sharing them with you all right now is scaring the shit out of me, especially since I’ve made such an effort not to face them myself.
But, I’m trying to look on the bright side of all this, because the bright side, I think, is very bright.
Yes, younger Kari, change can suck. But change can also be good. Change is necessary. If I hadn’t changed, I’d still be a miserable teen locked alone in my room spilling my feelings on a blog that nobody looked at. Because of change, I am happy. Because of change, I am successful. Because of change, I can now face these emotions that I once had, acknowledge their role in my growth, and respect them. Because of change, I can proudly say that I no longer let these negative emotions consume me.
“All I want to be is happy.” That was my goal. I used to think that avoiding change, avoiding tough conversations and confrontation was the answer. Now, that I can say was immaturity. But, it is interesting to see that some of those feelings still sometimes sneak through. They are sneaking through now, even, while I write about my opinion, but all the while remembering that I shouldn’t write anything that might offend anyone.
I’m not oblivious to all that is going on in the world, but I am very hesitant to talk about it. Especially on platforms like this, or social media. I want to get along with everyone. I don’t want to argue. I want to celebrate our happiness together and frolick on the beach without a care in the world (*eye roll*). I’ve always been like this. And I think that I felt like I had a right to feel like this because I had, for so long, felt so much pain and I deserved the happiness.
I remember getting mad at my best friend, Lori, in high school when she would argue with people about politics. “What’s the point of bringing it up if you know you are just going to get into an argument?” I now know that these are necessary conversations to have if we want to move forward. Whether it is a conversation with others or with yourself. For me, I feel that maybe I’m a little late to the game, and that having these conversations with myself first is important.
The world is at a crossroads right now. And things are crazy– I can especially feel that here in NYC, as we are slowly recovering from the COVID-19 pandemic. But, in relating this to the change that made me who I am today, I can confidently acknowledge that it is necessary. We are all in different places in our lives, and we all have different stories and different truths. Acknowledging that and respecting that when sharing our opinions, I think, is important. But it is just as important to have these difficult conversations, to do what feels uncomfortable to spark the change that is necessary, for ourselves and for the world.